I want to talk a little bit about boundaries.
First, what is your boundary? You could think of it like a fence, or perhaps like an orb of light. Your
boundary, however invisible, is the place where the world ends and your energetic sensations begin. It is
the field within which your energy resides and experiences the world, people, space around you. The
boundary receives information from other's boundaries and transfers it to your intuition - engaging you for
something good, and alarming you of something unsavory.
But it is more than defense, it is also information about what is happening INSIDE your boundary. Your
energy body informs you of how you are feeling, how you are showing up for yourself and for others. Are
you feeling sluggish or joyful? Energetic or depleted?
Ultimately, boundaries allow us to understand when something is right for us, and when it is not. Take for
consideration, dinner with friends. Perhaps you are so excited for it, but the day of the dinner something
just does not feel right about it. Now, if you are just being lazy and avoiding people, perhaps that's a place
for healing- and so move through it and get your booty out the door. Or if you volunteered to help with a
big event but just would rather watch tv.... no, get up and go - in this instance, being sick is your only out.
HA! But if you are tired, or overly emotional and something just tells you that pushing yourself to show up
and meet the others is not where you should be spending your energy and time... then honor your
boundaries by saying "no thank you". It's okay to say no.
How do we say this in a way that is mutually respectful? This is the point of today's post. Unfortunately as
young children we are often pushed to do things that conflict with our boundaries "give X a kiss goodbye!"
"you have to go play with X"... don't get me wrong, there are times this is necessary like soccer practice or
the like. But what I mean is that we are not taught how to say "no thank you" to when something
fundamentally feels wrong. More than that, we aren't always taught how to receive a "no thank you" from
others.
Here is how you might try it next time:
If you are the one saying No:
"Hi (persons name), I know I committed to this with you and I want you to know that I absolutely respect you and want to be there... but I am honoring myself in letting you know that I am exhausted and need to take care of me. Ultimately, I could push myself to go there but then I wouldn't be showing up the full version of me and I don't want to do that to me or to you. Can we reschedule?"
"Hey (persons name), I would love to see you at X but I am just out of sorts and need some time to
reconnect/recharge. Otherwise I would show up and just be staring at you... Thats no fun. I would love to
reschedule, or, perhaps I can make it up to you by doing a shorter virtual hang out from my couch?"
"I understand you would like my help with X (if this a request for an event or volunteering help) but I
recognize my own limits in my schedule and in my energy, and I do not have the bandwidth/reserves to
make this happen. I apologize but cannot agree to this. I do hope this works out for you and if I can help by
recommending others, please let me know."
These are just some examples. But do you see how you are being honest about your limits, and as such, not
over-apologizing for "upsetting them"? That is because it is not about them, saying NO is about you
showing up for yourself. It is about honoring your needs instead of operating out the needs or desires from
someone else.
If you are receiving the NO, please remember the following:
-It is not personal. The person has other stuff going on behind closed doors, or inside themselves. Just
listen, accept their response and move on. Ultimately, if they are saying NO because they are avoiding or
lazy, then do you really want their help/company anyway? Probably not, because then you will be wasting
your time motivating them or getting stressed out waiting for them to show up to the level you need them.... Just accept and move on.
-This is an opportunity for YOU to shift your perspective.... did you need alone time too? Do you want to go out by yourself with a book and recharge? Or stay at home and snuggle with a comfy blanket and eat frozen pizza?
-Are we asking too much of others? Are we expecting more of others that is unrealistic or unfair? Remember, expectations are often projected from us onto others and not unconsciously consented to by others... So be honest about your needs or intentions and see if they can meet you halfway... communication is key here.
- Forcing someone who is operating out of your needs/expectations (whether you are pushy or not) just
means slimy energy... You can feel it when someone is out of sorts, anxious, upset, or annoyed... It impacts
your energy whether you realize it or not. Reflect on a situation like that and recall how you felt afterwards....were you energized or lacking? Did you feel satisfied or a little 'meh'? If they can't or don't want to show up, don't ask them to because YOU want it - it won't bode well for your energy.
In the future, if you need to say No, then go for it. But do it honestly, thoroughly and honor yourself. If you have to change your plans because of someone else, be kind to them and reflect within if needed. There is always tomorrow... plans may shift, but love of ourselves and compassion for others is forever.
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